cloudeyesrain

I'm drained-and i didnt even do ne exercise today. i just wore myself out. today was just so weird. 

I started off so well and so in control. but i needed something to look forward to. i think dats wut hurts me da most in my life-the fact that i cant find anything in the future i really want to live for. i know its sick but i've always wished i had a terminal illness. it would be great to just take cancer away from some kid who didnt deserve it and enjoy another couple months of life with everyone around you caring about you and letting you just have fun and then being able to leave- to sleep forever. sleep sounds so good. its my only escape and i like it. i wish i could take someone's cancer for myself. i've never said dat aloud before. is that sick?

And after i completely failed myself and binged like no other--i tried to throw up and i didnt know how to do it so i promised myself i wouldnt eat again all day and for the next couple of days if i can avoid it..

then i took a shower and i dint dry my hair or nething- i just pulled it out of my face--all wet and knotty and i put on my grandma's cross that she gave me and i went to church. i havent been to church in a long time but today i loved it. usually i have to admit i think church is boring but today i dint want it to end and i even sat there to think and pray and stuff even after mass was over and there was only a couple of old ladies with roseries left in there. i wanted to cry the whole time cuz i saw all these families there together and i was still really disappointed in myself--but it made me feel better to be there and i dint want it to end 

the priest felt like he was my friend and i wanted to do w/e he was saying we should do. idk-- it kinda inspired me. i know ill look back at dis entry and be like wtf was i thinking but i needed someone since my family deserted me today and i binged and church made me feel a lil better. i wish i was there now. but if im not im glad i have dis journal and maybe someones reading it. 

thank you to all da girls who commented my post today--u made me feel better when i was so upset. thanks for fasting wit me too. i promise to try really hard not to eat. 

im thinking of getting a therapist or psychologist or w/e they are. i had some bad experiences a few of em before but i might try it again and maybe show them these entries--or parts of them. is dat safe? where do i find a good one?

if neones reading--thanks for caring.

-cloudyeyeshaverained